The Story About the Car Keys

The day after Christmas, I had an appointment in Newton which is about a 50 minute drive in friendly traffic.  But we are talking about the day after Christmas here, so I budgeted 90 minutes in case the Lynnfield to Burlington stretch was clogged with giddy gift-card-wielding Boxing Day shoppers.
As it turned out, I made record time and was approaching the Burlington Mall exit with 35 minutes to spare, so I went to the mall thinking the Lego store might have something on sale suitable for The Boy's 5th birthday which is a month away. (I know, eh?)  I found a good parking spot, got out, clicked the automatic lock button on the key fob, and stuffed the keys into my backpack.

It is necessary at this point to tell you that I was driving The Mister's car.  His car doesn't have a car seat, gets better mileage on the highway than mine, and drives beautifully.  To be driving his car rather than the family van was a real treat for me, especially since I am still prone to a little fatigue and wanted to be as comfy as possible for this necessary drive.  But I have gotten a little blase perhaps about driving The Mister's car and just asking for the Fates to hit me upside the head for my lack of respect around the fact that it is HIS car, as the next part of the story will soon illustrate.

I ducked into the mall, serpentined my way amid the reeling multitude to the Lego shop, scored the Duplo train set for 20% off, checked my cell phone and saw that there was time for a jeans run to JJill, bought the two pairs they had in my size, and dashed back out to the car. I reached into my backpack and . . .

And . . .

and?  Out came the keys, but without the fob.  I patted my pockets.  No fob. I mentally retraced my steps, checked under adjacent cars, got my knees dirty looking again under said cars.  No fob.  There were two places I could imagine having lost the fob.  One, when I locked the car and unceremoniously stuffed the keys into the backpack, and Two, when I pulled out my phone to check the time.  And then I burst into tears. I was too tired and still sick to deal with all of this, and I had fifteen pounds of Duplos and denim to carry around.  I went back into the mall and asked at the Info desk if anyone had turned it in. No fob.  I went to the stores near where I had my phone out. No fob. I admitted defeat, and called The Mister who promised to come and get me with The Boy. So I went to Sephora for 45 minutes to play around with the moisturizers.

When The Mister showed up, we traded cars, and he said he was going to look at the tools at Sears and be home shortly. Fair enough. I drove the Boy home in the family van, made him dinner, and wrote my post from yesterday.  When the Mister came home about an hour later, he put the Sears bag down on the table, and pulled out of his coat pockets his gloves,

his car keys,

some paper receipts,

a chapstick,

and. the. missing. key. fob.

Want to know where he found it?

It seems that The Mister had his own opinion of how I moved about the world that day, and he did an interpretive dance for me to illustrate how he thought I got out of the car, clicked the keyless lock button on the fob, and with a grand flourish, threw the keys into my backpack, while just catching the fob on the opening, dislodging it from the anchoring ring so that it fell to the ground just where I could kick it out of sight under a nearby car.  And after he did this little Columbo choreography, he found himself looking down at the center of a just-at-that-moment-empty parking space, in the middle of which sat

the fob.

Do you know the scene in The Girl Can't Help It where Jayne Mansfield is crossing the street and the testosterone-fueled ga-ga and chaos that follows envelopes all humanity in her wake? Well, I have said it before and I'll say it now, The Mister is the opposite of Jayne Mansfield in that the universe somehow just falls into place around him. He never misses a plane in spite of arriving at the airport ten minutes before his flight leaves.  Snooty restaurants always have a fresh cancellation when he walks in off the street.  And the day after Christmas at the largest mall in Boston, he can intuitively locate a small black object that someone else has lost, and it just happens to be in the one and only empty parking spot at that moment in the entire lot. He didn't even have to get his knees dirty.

Don't you guys think he should be made a special envoy to Darfur or something?

Comments

[kmkat]

My huband is rather like that -- I just coast along on his leftover luck. When I drive somewhere and he is along, I let him direct me as to where to park. He is the King of finding a parking space about 2.5 feet away from wherever we are going, even if it is an arena event with 30,000 people. Husbands like that are very handy to have around :-)

[--Deb]

Great story!

[Sara]

Oh My. The only unfortunate bit is where you had to traipse around and wait and be really tired and I assume miss the appointment...

but excellent story!

[Laurie]

The balance in the universe has already occurred. My spousal unit has that kind of luck, and the fates teamed him up with ME. Who doesn't.

[Carole]

Be glad you're married to him. And hooray for the Lego score.

[Megan]

A man who can find things is such a rarity - you found a keeper!

[PumpkinMama]

Sobbing and fobbing - excellent tale. Methinks you should most certainly keep him around, and perhaps start buying lottery tickets?

[The Purloined Letter]

I'm glad you are feeling better. I LOVE the image of him as Columbo acting things out!

[Kate]

Oh, wow... and that mall parking lots stinks too... we live in newton and I work in Bedford--- the Burlington Mall is still such a nightmare to park in. Glad he found the fob--- sounds like a "keeper" as my nana would say!

:) Kate

[Amy]

I love good husband stories, glad you are feeling better.

[JoAnne]

I'm so glad you're feeling better, and I agree with Kate about loving good husband stories...all of your stories about him just seem to breathe love all over the page, and it warms my heart to see it.

But I do have to admit to spending quite a lot of the story thinking 'Who cares about the fob? You've got the keys! Just open the door! Buy him another fob!' I thought the end of the story was going to be about how special the fob was to him for some arcane reason. I didn't realize that you had a car that couldn't be unlocked without it!

[Chris]

Wow! That's some husband to have. Good for you! Now if he could only share that gift with you. But life doesn't work that way, does it?

[Mary K. in Rockport]

Thank God for cell phones and lucky husbands. (And yea, don't the keys for the Mister's car unlock the doors?)

[lanea]

What a great save!

[Jo]

Wow - I really wish I had that kind of luck!

[margene]

He should be the king of the world!

[melanie]

WOW. I am so impressed. That's some mister you got there!!

Hope you're feelin' better. You have a Juno now to entertain you! I'm so jealous.

[Lucia]

He should be made special envoy to Darfur, put in charge of a major cancer research product, and summarily appointed US President.

I can't help picturing him as Monk rather than Columbo. I hope he doesn't mind. (Monk is better dressed but weirder, which you can take as you find it.)

[Martha]

There's a Sephora at the Burlington Mall?

[Charity]

Let's hope he only uses those powers for good - that's amazing! :0) So glad you found it, though. :0)

[Ruth]

The man is living a charmed life.

[Colleen]

We've had a variety of cars will locking fobs...but they can ALL be unlocked without it. Some of them have alarms that go off when you do it, but there is always a way to shut the alarm off when that happens...sometimes it involves a hidden switch, sometimes just waiting a minute, but it does work. Look at the manual for the alarm. It HAS to work that way, since the battery in those fobs can die, and then you'd be stranded....

But you have a very sweet and LUCKY husband!

[Lisak]

Send him out to buy a lotto ticket, quick!

My DH can't find things, usually because they are staring at him in the face or he's standing on them. He does have other special qualities and I can usually find things.

[Wanda]

Such a cute story! At least he did find the missing key fob and all is right with the world again. (heehee, still laughing over here)

[Doris]

Great story...and lucky you for having someone with that kind of luck in your life (not to mention someone who seems to be so nice in a tough situation!) Those fobs are really expensive if they get lost....I speak from almost experience. My husband came to my rescue with one once too.