Letting it Go

My Zephrystyle Tree Jacket, in Dream in Color China Apple, coming along steadily.

The assistant minister at my UU church sent out an email this week asking for us to think about our year, to look back and maybe send her something to be read aloud during the service this Sunday: the passings, the arrivals, the goals achieved and perhaps even those that eluded us. I deleted it as a matter of course, dismissing any notion that really I have anything to add to such a busy life as my church community must have. There are teenagers and aging parents and new jobs a plenty to fill that part of the service I was certain. But the idea took root in spite of myself, and I have been thinking about what's worth the inventory.

1. I didn't get nearly the amount of things done that I wanted to. I wanted to have more writing to show for my work, more sweaters knit, a more organized house, and more time spent with friends than I got to spend. I wanted to have PS136 finished for Holda's sake. But all said, I managed to cram business into every day, and how I could have gotten more done, I don't know short of giving up sleep. So really, the problem lies not with my work but with my goals. It is possible for me to knit a sweater in two weeks, but it isn't possible for me to do that twice in a row. Next year, and forever after, I'll try to be easier on myself, and to be more realistic about how many hours there are in a day.

2. My oldest, The Teenager, turned 18 a few days ago. I have been his step mom now for almost 13 years. He isn't around much these days, spending much of his non-school time at his job, or hanging out with his friends (where he works). He's a good kid with a puritanical streak, which helps me relax about how much we don't see him. He comes in late, lobs a snide comment on the state of the world over his leather jacketted shoulder, and disappears into his room from where we can hear music until the wee hours of the night. He has a marvellous and dark sense of humour, a passion for politics, and is applying to five universities. I miss him, but I worry about him only a little because his father, The Mister, says that The Teenager is very much like he was when he was that age: not much direction yet, not a lot of interest in the parents, but generally okay if a little confused about how unpleasant the world turned out to be after his sheltered childhood. I trust that The Teenager is going in the right direction, and I know he's a good person. Meanwhile, The Mister is a little freaked about having a son who just turned 18.

3. I went to SOAR. More than anything else this year, SOAR served to legitimize my investment in the fiber arts. I still feel a little shy about the time I spend with the wool. You who read knitblogs certainly understand, but not being "a designer" or an employee of a yarn company, or having really any "label" to slap on the wool thing, after SOAR, I laid claim to "fiber artist." A not particularly productive one (see item #1), but still. It feels right.

4. It just is. I finally learned through many small lessons this year that things are what they are, and that most of what happens is utterly out of my control. Call it god, call it luck, call it other's people's crap, but taking things as they come, not taking it as any kind of evaluation of how good or bad a person I am, and letting it go gently was a big lesson for me this year. I'm not always in that quiet place of acceptance, but it seems the gift of age and experience, and I am in touch with it more and more. Don't get me wrong; I'm still trying like hell to crank out a sweater in a fortnight, and there's way too much in my queue. But that's just who I am.

In the spirit of the year's end I'll ask you, what are the things you noticed in your life? Anything you want to have noted? We're a nice little group here, the comment section of Moth Heaven. Take the mic and share. In the meantime, a Happy New Year wish for you: as my five year old said the other night, may you have love, the spirit of Santa, and Polar Bears for ever and ever.

Comments

[Carole]

I think I'm with you on #4. I guess I would call it contentment. I used to get so disappointed when things didn't work out but now I just try and let it go. Maybe it's simply maturity but whatever it is, I'm enjoying the feeling it brings.

[Tonia]

Oh there is so much that I wanted to knit, but it never happened. Guess loosing your mojo for a long time doesn't help. Happy New Year.

[Kathy]

Yesterday I saw a license plate advertising a message from a verse from Luke, the idea of planting seeds on fertile ground. I think the long hours spent knitting bears fruit in so many ways, providing thoughtful time, time to relax, time to recover, time to think. Knitting can sometimes just be the end result of so much more.

[elizabeth]

I'm slowly realizing that although I wish certain things in my life had been different, it is what it is. I can't change it, I can only move forward and work towards making the future what I want it to be. I'm going to be easier on myself next year, and have more fun!

[DrJudy]

I'm a bit older than you but find myself learning some of the same lessons...taking things as they come, valuing myself as much as others, deciding what is truly worthy of my efforts, paring down my goals from fantasy levels to achievable, learning not to worry so much, understanding that if I really want to do it, I probably can (been repeating that one for a while). I can't tell you how much the knitting community means to me. Most of you I will never meet but love dearly anyway. You all bring light, and hope and joy into this world. Bless you.

[Tammy]

I learned to knit in 2007 and it has been a most wonderful blessing in a very rough year. For most of my life, I have been the labels that others have applied to me - wife, mother, sister, professional, daughter, ex-wife, aunt... It took me to the age of 40 to get the courage to find out who "I" am - what I like and what I don't. And I have discovered that I like to knit. Very. Much. I've also learned that the knitting community on the web is a bottomless source of inspiration for what can be done with some sheep fur and it blows me away. Thank you one and all.

[benedetta]

ah, Julia, in a way I wish I had not read your post today, as I feel not in a happy place right now, even though my knitting and my knitting goals are just fine.
It is my family life that worries me, and especially the lack of it. Yes, I know that things sometimes are just what they are, and beyond my direct control, but that makes it worse, because it makes me feel pretty powerless to address the issues.
Apologies for adding a dark note here.
May the Polar Bears be with you!
Happy New Year!

[PICAdrienne]

Such an easy question in in surface sense, list the accomplishment of the year (I had never knit a pair of socks at the start of the year, now I have finished 6 nice pairs.) I finished a sweater this year, and it is completely wearable.

On a deeper side, I look at my kids, (oldest just turned 16) and for the most part, they are pleasant people and caring people. My son was 'diagnosed' with a learning disability this year. I am learning to fight for him. It is a challenge, as he was old for the diagnoses, most kids with his problem are diagnosed in kindergarten or first grade, his was not apparent until he was in the forth grade, he was bright enough to cover it up. It is unlikely a pencil will ever be his friend, but he and a keyboard get along rather well. A good principal is your best Ally, and an uninvolved teacher, your worst enemy.

[Ruth]

During a year in which I had an immense, unanticipated life change, I learned how lucky I am to have good friends ... the kind you can rely on to pick up the slack when you're forced to stay off your feet for a period of time. It's a good feeling.

[Jen in CT]

I loved your new year's wish, it actually brought tears to my eyes. :-)

[KarenJoSeattle]

I'd let life and my own choices convince me to put my knitting down for a couple of years. I found if I want to be happy, I need to make the knitting plus some other creative outlets more central. I started my blog on my birthday in April as part of my return to a creative life.

[Tee]

I learned that it takes forever for me to knit a mitten, as opposed to a hat, which I can crank out between the time I get home from work and the time I go to bed.
I learned that you can kill things that eat wool by putting said wool in ziploc bags in the freezer. Also that, while I protect my yarn, it never occurred to me to protect things MADE from yarn. *sigh*
I learned that life is too short to put up with a doctor you just don't get along with.
I learned that never having things turn out the way I planned... never seems to stop me from making plans.

[Jeanne B.]

I learned the opposite of #4 this year. I learned that everything that comes to me does so because it was first manifested within my thoughts, and that situations and experiences are attracted to me that are in alignment with my thoughts. I learned that by changing *what* I think, *how* I think, and changing my core beliefs, I can change my external world. All of it. I no longer allow life to just "happen" to me--I am fully aware that everything in my life is completely within my control--yes, even the awful stuff. All I have to do is monitor my thought process and understand how the Law of Attraction works. Sure, sometimes something will happen that doesn't seem to fit within my concept of what I *believe* consciously that I want, but I've learned that in those instances, it's because there is a subconscious counter intention or limiting belief causing the opposite to happen. To fix it, I dig down until I discover the root of the counter intention, analyze it, release it, and change it to something positive and in alignment with my desires. Sometimes, also, I'm unwittingly repeating lessons that I haven't learned yet (so the key is to learn the lesson). Being able to recognize this is what is helping me change my life into what I desire it to be rather than accepting a life that is less than what I desire. I'm still learning how all of this works... but I'm much happier now. In fact, the biggest lesson I've learned is how to be grateful for what I have and how to be happy NOW, rather than "someday in the future when ______". It is very important to be content with where you are now... but why stop there, when it's possible to make it even better? :-)

[Colleen]

I have a DD who will turn 18 in two weeks....at least that is what my DH keeps saying. I am denying it...it's utterly ridiculous and I say it WILL NOT happen...and DH keeps quoting that story about the king who stood on the beach forbidding the tide to come in...and he got wet feet.

How does one deal with that?

For me, what is great about this past year is that I have lost 60 pounds, and had to get a new winter coat (white, so that it will go with any hat and mittens I knit!), and I feel great every time I put it on, because it means I can try skiing, and I am MUCH smaller! Sure, I'm nowhere near my weight goal, but I've made huge progress! And that coat really drives it home, for me!

[moiraeknittoo]

I learned that I grew professionally way, way, WAY beyond where I ever thought I'd be. And yet, it's so very empty. The pace continues to accelerate, and for what reason? It's high stress, and with absolutely no impact on anything but first world concerns. The one good thing about it is that it's paying me a truly ridiculous amount of money, which will allow me to help people in real ways for the first time in my life. I'll be able to give back in a way that makes me feel good, and doesn't end up costing me months of emotional torment (which happens every time I try to work at a soup kitchen or even think about volunteering at an animal shelter). I know my work/life balance is so far out of whack that I can barely remember what the concept is supposed to mean, but really hope I can get up close and personal with it in the coming months. And above all, that I create my reality, and that the power of thought can't be underestimated. I look forward to beginning this "1" year and a new era of prosperity in all kinds of ways in just a few days.

*whew!* I didn't mean to go on like that, but you obviously touched a chord. :D

[Riin]

This was a strange and painful year. I'm gradually healing from the trauma; it's just going to take some time. I learned who's there for me, and who isn't. And I learned that I should trust my intuition, always.

[Laurie]

I learned about stumbling on happiness.

[Anne]

Even if you feel shy about spending time with The Fibers, the Fiber Folks are pretty good reasons to keep investing in it. (Investment! My Mom said something similar--she didn't say "For God's sake, stop spending all that money on wool!" She said instead, "Make sure you have plenty of cedar in there! You need to protect your investment!" She should understand, though... She has thousands in random dishes.)

[Kay]

I learned (AGAIN) that life can clock you in the teeth and that it's great anyway.

Which applies to knitting also!

Wishing you an abundance of polar bears and penguins but not at the same poles of course.

xoxo Kay

[Judy]

I thank you and your son. Perhaps age, or the acceptance of it, also brings with it, the ability to embrace life more fully. Let's hope. It would be nice to have a bonus, huh?

Your son maybe older than his years.

[tina]

Great thoughts! I think what really struck me was the notion to be much gentler on ourselves---- why is it that we need no enemies when we do such an exemplary job all on our own!!!???!!!

I noticed, as I always do, the steady marching of time. It picks up its' heavy boots and actually marches faster and faster each year until they become a blur. What comes from this is that decisions must be made that lead to life lived much more intentionally, and all things are treasured big and small. Love must be practiced in the everyday and spread as widely as possible not just in the totally altruistic sense but also because when you do look back you can see that the implement of grace and peace and largely unqualified love---- is YOU.

[Wanda]

I had lots of goals for myself, some knitting-wise, others not. Some wre completed and some were not really attempted. I was disappointed about those that weren't done, but I realized that I can't do everything. And others that I do want to focus on, I'll have to make time to do so. As much as I love knitting, it can't be my sole focus either.

[Emily]

I learned that I am a very stronge person and have the ability to overcome major obstacles. I also made some big life changes such as realizing I was in a major that I was not happy with. Knitting wise I learned that friendships between knitters are very tight. I also learned I like lace and ventured into stranded knitting.

Thanks for the great prompt.

[Lynn]

I think I should remember to bookmark more knitting blogs, like yours, that I enjoy reading now and then, when I run into them or are directed here by such lovelies as the Insane Ms. Norma, but that hitherto I have forgotten to make a regular part of my links to alleged sanity. I doubt I'll ever get fancy enough to use Bloglines, just to make that clear.

Maybe I should aim for shorter sentences, too.

[Kathy]

For whatever reason, I felt unsettled this past year. Despite some wonderful times with good friends. We are just back from a terrific trip that did much to re-center and feed my sense of fun and adventure. My goal for 2008 is singular and very much like your #1 -- it's to be easier on myself in all aspects of my life. And, okay, to maybe have more fun. Happy New Year!