The Voices in My Head

I joined SparkPeople (a free weightloss site) yesterday, because I am going to finally face down those last 20 pounds. I won't be blogging here about the process, so if you're interested, and a Sparker, friend me over there and we can be buddies. This is my first post on my Spark blog.

I've done this before.
Usually there's a moment, a view in the mirror, a photo someone took, a pair of jeans that finally won't go on . . . this time there's no moment like that, it was just that I finally grew sick and tired of the quiet little voice in the back of my head that hates life as a size 14, and hates the belly that hangs over the waistband. The other voice, you know the one, the voice that says "You need a little treat, go ahead and eat that cake, stop and pick up a smoothie, it's just a little thing, and you are so deserving"

Here are other things that voice says:
"You need more sleep, hit the snooze button again."
"You can exercise tomorrow"
"If you stand up straight and wear Spanx, you won't look fat."
"That chocolate will get eaten eventually, it might as well be now"

That voice?

That voice is cruel. It's not that any one of the things it says is so bad, really. It's just that it never shuts up, and cumulatively over the course of the day, the many times I listen to it adds up to something harmful. Nothing that voice says, be it ever so easy to listen to, does me any good. By listening to that voice, I do myself no favors.

The voice I need to listen to is the voice that is the quietest of all. The voice that says "You're full".

Here are other things that voice says:
"The alarm clock went off, you should get up now."
"You've been sitting on that chair for an hour, you should do some push-ups"
"That cupcake does not taste as good as it looks" (more on this in a later post)
"Faster"

Today, I turn up the volume on the quieter voice, and do all I can to turn off the hurtful one.

Comments

[DragonSpun]

I understand. Last week I hit bottom and the voice was my only company. I did not like its company. This week I began to turn up the other voice and just now as I am reading your post listened to the quiet voice tell me that I know if I order out I will eat all of it, eat at home.

Here's to quiet voices. I am glad you were able to turn its volume up.

[Joan]

The voice that I had to quiet always said "I won't get a shake and fries next time", until I realized that there really is not a next time.

[June]

Just so you know, you are already beautiful.

[Astoria]

Great to listen to the self care voices! So nice to get up and exercise and to eat the things that make your body feel good. But I don't think the voices that say that being size 14 or having a belly is bad are actually good voices. I'm size 14 and I have a belly and I feel great and think I look great. Self-care is a great motivator, self-judgment just hurts and inhibits.

[Another Joan]

Thank you - I needed to be reminded who is in charge of the volume of the voices. I don't really care about the actual weight - I simply want to have a strong and healthy body. 10 push-ups at a time make a big difference on a week. GO Grrrlll GO!!!

[Kathy]

I can't tell you how perfectly you've captured the struggle.

[Shelly]

Thanks for this honest post. I'm in the same situation, size 14 the largest I've been since I was pregnant and just not feeling good about it. I just finished my third 5K race this Sunday. I finished 90th out of 92 (I beat the tantrumming 6 year old and her mom heh). But the real victory is just knowing that I did it, that it's part of my new self care regime and I did it. Good luck!

[Elizabeth]

Good job paying attention to the quiet voice! I feel the need to point out, however, that the "hurtful voice" is not really trying to hurt you--it was the voice that kept people alive by stocking up on food for the 100,000 years before humans had grocery stores. Maybe instead of struggling with it as an enemy, just pity it, as you would a full grown adult who still whines like a toddler to get what they want. I find it easier to ignore things that I pity...

[duni]

awesome. keep it up. and i'm joining you. :)

[yodafatkitty]

I only listen to the good voices. The ones that say I need to knit more. ;)